I sat on the train with my chin resting on my hand. I look out my window, staring at nothingness, at blackness as the train rushes in and out of dark tunnels. The air seeps through the window panes and makes an irritating, whistling noise. I look nonchalantly at the sequential platforms we approach and i lazily stare at random people, observing them as they wait for their train. Human behavior is such an interesting thing. My train comes to stop at a station the exact same time the oncoming train on the next track does. I look at the people aboard that train. Some are sleeping, some on the phone, some just plainly sitting, patiently waiting for their turn to alight. I browse through, looking for something interesting, anything that might be out of the ordinary when i see a hand moving in a slow, almost musical kind of way. His face is obscured in my view but i could clearly see what he was holding on his lap and the reason for his hand gestures. He had in his lap a musical piece. A composition, book long. My heart flutters as i realize he was conducting music to himself. I am filled with emotion and sentiment and memories i have long put away in a treasure chest deep within me. Amazing how a simple sight such as that could bring so much sweetness. And bitterness at the same time. I want to go back to nights of rehearsals i wished would never end. How i’ve missed reading notes and getting the tempo right. I miss being able to hold up a piece and sing. I miss the harmony. I miss the songs. I miss the music.
It honestly doesnt matter if youre gay or a lesbian. You have the same capacity as everyone else. You have the capability to learn and grow and make decisions for yourself. You have your own intelligence and competence and fortes. You have your weaknesses as much as you have your strengths. You are an individual with the same limits. You are able to love and hurt and feel. And anyone who judges you on the basis of who you choose to love and share affections with is not worth your time. They are simply not on the same maturity plane. You are far from perfect but you are not flawed. You are a beautiful person. Just like everybody else. Take away all the exteriors, you are the same being God created as all others. You are worthy of respect. You are worthy to be considered.
I am elated. I had just been engaged in retail therapy yesterday and went on a rare shopping spree. Bought quite a number of goodies including a Chanel eyeliner, a detoxifying, vegan, all-natural, chemical-free facial mask from The Perfect Potion (which I tried on last night and absolutely LOVED), a Father’s Day package from a quirky, clever store called Typo (which I am now adding to my list of favorite shops to find fashionably useful, random things), a new pair of grey-and-grape low-cut Chucks, a pair of havaianas for my bro.. We also went on a hunt for beer, burger, dessert and coffee along Bondi beach.
I am so lucky for being able to experience days like these. He, upstairs, is blessing me with so much. Thank you!
That’s what it is. That’s the general feeling right now. In a span of a couple of days, my network has suddenly expanded to reach people of much higher power and authority. I can talk to them now - and not just with matters concerning menus or coffees. I can actually talk and have a proper conversation with them. It’s all so
BIG. What with the leap from my previous position to the current one, the amount of information and skills i need to learn, the abrupt change in my life. I am overwhelmed. Overwhelmed and grateful. I have been so abundantly blessed.
People are looking at me funny. Suddenly, they’re all interested in me. I see them pointing at me from a distance, talking to a colleague. They all notice me now. They’re all concerned. All of a sudden, I became visible. They look at my name badge, trying to say it right, trying to make conversation, trying to hang around a little longer once I’ve given them their coffees. I’m not just the good barista anymore. I have a place now. Damn this promotion. All this attention. And all it took is for the right person to believe in me.
had my driving test today - today, the 13th of august…a friday. i woke up feeling sick in my stomach and my heart pumping out of my chest. my hands were shaking and i couldn’t sit still. anyway, i finally got there and despite my nerves, everything went well and better. my examiner was so kind, the road was quiet, i was able to perfect the 2 maneuvers he picked for me and to top it all of, i passed. pluuuuus, to add icing to the cake, i was able to skip all the provisional stages and got my FULL license. oh god is good. so good..
you know, things do really come when you least expect them. during the past year, i have channeled my energy into trying to build up something that in the end collapsed right before my eyes. i expected too much, hoped too much and as a result, i was broken. it hurt. oh damn, it hurt. but in the end, all of it, every single painful experience has taught me how to be deal with all that shit. i could now proudly stand up with my chin held high and say, “i am a tough cookie. bring it on, bitches.”
the past year has been kinda rough. i’ve had the good moments yet they are outweighed by the not-so-great ones. i’ve been high up there just to be dropped down like an explosive something. i’ve had enemies. i’ve told people off. i’ve been told off. i’ve purposely tried to beat up someone. i got told off again. i got rejected. humiliated. depressed. angry.
but what kept me going are the people around me. my strength is anchored to friends, my loved ones, my family, my faith. and knowing, that whatever happens, they’ll always be there for me and that i will always have them for support - they are the bullets to my empty pistol.
so yes, up until two months ago, things were going bad. now, i’ve learned just to be nonchalant about it. not really taking things too seriously. if it happens, then it happens. if it doesn’t, doesn’t matter. i am still thankful for a lot of things. occasionally, yes, i would like to have more. but you know, whatever, right? i’m happier if things suddenly turn out to my advantage. if not, i’m still happy.
life’s life. it’s a bitch sometimes. but you gotta be a bitch back.
Though i have yet to finish reading the literary trilogy, i have already come to the conclusion that The Girl Series (-with the dragon tattoo, -who played with fire, and -who kicked the hornets’ nest), is one of the most engaging and thrilling stories of all time. I am now awarding it a top spot in my library next to Dan Brown. I am soooo hooked. Must. Finish. Reading.
i am in deep muck. i don’t even wanna talk about it but for the sake of letting it out (lest i go crazy), here it is. this month, so far, has been so expensive. it seems i’ve been shelling out money like bag of pistachios more than what i’ve been taking in. it’s distressing. yet at the same time, there really isn’t anything i can do about it. i just have to, you know. there are still a couple of weeks before i might start earning decently again but until then, i might just have to crawl it out and start singing in public. *shivers*
Today is a productive day for me, I think. There are still tons of stuff lined up for me to accomplish but I am generally satisfied with how the day went. Right now, I am in the middle of contemplating my accomplishments while cooking dinner and drinking beer. Somehow, somewhere in the middle, I manage to squeeze in browsing through the current issue of marie claire. Its been a good day.
i spent a really good saturday with my family. it was heartwarming and very relaxed, just how its supposed to be. we spent most of the afternoon completely absorbed in this wii game called just dance. i really wasn’t expecting it to be that much exhausting but it was fun. the point of the game was to get you to dance by copying a series of movements and getting them into rhythm as best as you can. they have different genres of dance, so to speak. hip hop, brazillian, mc hammer, pop, cowboy, yep, you name it. anyway, so there i was, trying the game out, which, by that time, the rest of my family had already perfected so i was kind of lagging behind in terms of the score. it was still very enjoyable though especially after seeing my dad’s fat ass dancing brazillian. it just might be my remedy for a very bad day. hilarious.
had to drive my mom to the bead shop (yes, the bead shop) cos she’s got orders from people. she’s been into making jewelry for some time now and i’ve always been convinced she’ll get over this phase someday but someday just seems a little blurry right now.
went to the grocery to buy ingredients for dinner. went back home and spent about 20 minutes to fix up dinner. fast cos it was just burritos. so really, all mom had to do was cook the beef mince and chop up the lettuce. kuya made aioli with some other herb or spice, don’t really know or care, long as it tasted good. which, thankfully, it did.
over dinner, we basically just talked. i shared, they shared. my mom started telling us her jokes, which none of us were particularly interested to hear knowing they would all be of the color green. my brothers started shaking their heads as soon as she hits the punch line. and the only one left laughing at the table was my dad. and as the husband, of course, that was obligatory. so didn’t really count. on the other hand, my dad himself is dopey as hell. while mom gots the jokes. my dad is full of words of wisdom. corny ass, yes, but the way he directs them to someone in particular at the table is pure gold. here are some examples, said in succession:
no pain, no gain
no guts, no glory
no i.d., no entry
and casting this weird, sharp glance at my mom,
no talking, no barking
my younger brothers were going all out laughing their asses off, and then my dad continues:
no money, no honey
my younger brother narrates a story as well of what happened over the week with him and my dad. they were out looking at the shops and they happened to go into vinnies. vinnies is an organization that seeks to help the less fortunate people by providing clothing, furniture, household equipment, etc. at a very low price through the help of people donating their stuff. you get the picture. so anyway, they have pretty good stuff in there. its a clutter but if you just spend a little bit of time rummaging through all that, you’re bound to find something new or branded and in good quality.
my brother goes, pointing at his sleeve,
you know what dad, this is from vinnies
then he points at his pants,
and this is from vinnies
then he points at his undershirt,
and this is from vinnies
at this point, my dad cuts him off, points at his crotch and shamelessly says,
and this is my penis.
talk about being shockingly random.
its fine. i still love them.
so yeah, that’s my family. at times, unbearable and overly dramatic but you get good days like this, you’re happy because you’ve got the best of them all in this world. :)
I dream of crystal clear waters and white powder-sand beaches, as i sip on malibu and juice, get tipsy in the middle of the afternoon while soaking up the sunshine. I dream of watching, waiting for the sun to set while listening to bob marley. Fate, take me back to boracay.
My neighbour who lives directly below my unit angrily knocked on my door at 11:30 in the evening. She said she’s had enough with all the banging and the noise emanating from above her. I sheepishly apologise saying sorry and that we’ll try to keep it down. After I’ve closed the door, I go back to the people sitting on the carpet in my living room. We shrug and pack up the cards. Damn, she had burst our bubble big time.